a food addicts life.
I've been bulimic for about 7 years. Man thats wild to actually write it down. I don't fully see myself as a full on bulimic - but I am. I don't always puke after I eat. In fact I typically only puke if I have a chance to eat extra... just to make me feel like it was really worth while.
I am overweight - not fat, but I've never been 'skinny'. I live a seemingly perfect life to the outside world. I come from a very wealthy background and I now live in the caribbean working on sailboats. everything aside from my weight equals happiness for me.
I really dont know how many times I've said no, this is the last time... you got it all in.. the cookie dough, the pasta, the chocolate the popcorn the candy... I just don't get it. I'm such a smart person. I know I am. and when in the right setting I thrive. But when in a setting where the boundries are limitless i push them and walk as far as i can.. or should i say eat as far as i can.
My sister is a triathlete with her own perfect life. My dad seriously struggles from all types of addictions.. now mainly work and money and sex and food.
That's what I've more come to see myself as. a food addict. just once i taste something i like i need more. And once i crave something i indulge if i can.
This year is going to be very tricky for me. and i really dont know how to handle it all. i live with two other crew members, one who is an amazing chef for the boat i work on. and so we work all day and i eat healthy all day, and then he cooks up this ridiculously rich and fatty meal for dinner.. and then im so exhausted i goto bed right away. Needless to say Im gaining weight.
I've puked a few times, and I've deffinilty binged as well. i have a weird line between when i will puke or not. I HATE doing it. yes it gives me the satisfaction of getting rid of the food in me. but it doesnt feel nearly as good as when i eat a proportioned meal and wake up the next morning feeling good.
When will i learn self control? I just dont know. I'm at a loss and i think im going to need to go to some special therapy place. i also dont know how i'll every tell my family.
I'm like the cool hippie kid who wants to work in developing countries to help more needy people. But how can i really do that when im eating for ten? what the F-ck??
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