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A feeling of loss turned to controlling my eating - and losing control completely.

by Kate
(Zurich)

Hi, my name's Kate. I wasn't actually going to write anything because I thought just reading other peoples' experiences would be enough of a support. Ironically it actually reflects a lot how I deal with my bulimia. I always think that by not identifying with it too much, it won't become who I really know I am..but that often leaves me feeling alone and stuck in this life squandering cycle.

I was 22 when I started becoming anorexic... I thought that if I lost a kg or 2, I would be feel better about myself and be more confident. I started noticing results which gave me a sense of accomplishment and I was getting lots of good feedback which seemed so rewarding at the time. I started to restrict my food more and more and became really strict and wouldn't 'allow' myself anything. I was so hard on myself and kept losing more and more weight until I couldn't go into my uni lectures anymore and spent days in bed with depression, and drinking alcohol. I eventually had to quit uni and move back in with my parents. I had totally locked myself into my self made prison, and was the prison guard making sure I'd stay there.

I eventually had to eat again or go to hospital, so this was what I did. It felt so liberating eating again and I couldn't get enough of it. I knew I had to put on the weight so was really careless about how I was eating. This was the start of my bulimia. It was such a slippery slope and I didn't see it coming but the eating was turning into bingeing but the feelings I felt were euphoric, and I didn't want them to stop so decided to purge. This went on for a few years and in 2010 I went to a clinic for 3 months for my bulimia. It was scary but I wanted to go. I've always known Ive had a problem and I didn't know where else to turn. I did great at the clinic, it was such a relief to have someone else dictating what the right portions were and when to eat. It was tough eating certain things but I felt trust once I realised that my weight was stabilizing plus I was eating the things I used to ban. I could relate in some way to all the girls there, and felt strong to be surrounded by others also battling this awful addiction.

Anyway, where I am now is sadly not where I was when I left the clinic. The transition into normal life was hard and I started drinking with friends again which made reading my body signals very difficult..leading to relapses. I was ok with the occasional one and could bounce back which was great, but the drinking got worse and more frequent which in turn brought the bulimia back. Now this is where I am. I try not to drink but hate thinking about bingeing and its a vicious cycle. I don't want to go to the clinic again but am 29 and am so sad that this has taken up so much of my youth. I want to know real love and joy and not feel bound by this awful addiction. I don't want to feel this fear and desperation any more and just need something to click again...

Hope you all find your recovery from bulimia and flourish into the beautiful people you know you are.

Kate

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program