A day in the life...
One morning I woke up with high hopes, which wasn't unlike most other days.
Today was a new day, another day of restricting and losing the terrible weight I had gained from my uncontrollable eating and throwing up.
I turned to my wardrobe...and my day, that was just looking so bright , plummeted almost immediately into a black abyss.
Dressing in my old clothes was a struggle....Trying to find something to fit or look how it use too was time consuming and a very very depressing process..I was at my biggest with the disorder.
What I had planned to eat for the day gradually decrease to nothing as I searched for something to wear.
By the time I arrived at work in the morning I had made myself feel so down that I grabbed chocolate bars, doughnuts, chocolate milk, Maccas and whatever else I could fit in my handbag on the way to work.
I arrived at my desk and totally gorged myself... Then went back for seconds in anything I could get my hands on, before making my way to the toilets for the next 45mins in a desperate attempt to undo the damage.
I spent my working day eating, throwing up, farting and thinking of what to eat next, barely at my desk.
I vowed to spend an hour on the cross trainer that night and not eat anything for the rest of the day. But as I'm sure you all know, it is nearly impossible to stop a binge in the middle of the day so...
2-3 massive binges later and a whole day of being completely unproductive at work....it was time to go to gym, feeling unbelievably uncomfortable and bloated.
I spent an hour on the cross trainer, not exerting myself mind you, because I could barely move. It just depressed me further to discover how unfit I was and how much strength I had lost from this new habit.
I would take a break, throw up some more and then hop back on for another 20.
My fitness and technique depressed me so much I stopped off at the bakery on the walk to my car, pigged out while driving home and threw it up into whatever I had handy..my lunch box, drink bottle, food wrappers, whatever.
This had to be hidden till I could find a moment alone from my partner to either dispose of it or wash it.
Once I arrived home I jumped straight into the shower, making sure I locked the bathroom door so my partner couldn't come in and see me naked. I was so ashamed.
And yes, he had no idea. Which made the disorder that much more devastating and shameful. He definitely knew something was up, he knew me too well to not know that. But I guess he just thought I got a little depressed from time to time, but I hid it frighteningly well. He attempted to talk to me about it a few times and tried to help me in every way. But it's hard to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
After my shower I put on some ridiculously baggy clothes and tried to throw up whatever I could before 100% went to my arse. I took laxatives and guzzled some water and a diuretic to get rid of some of the fluid retention that would be obvious to everyone the next day.
I'd tell my partner I wasn't hungry and go to bed early "without dinner", barely able to breathe, heart beating erratically and burning up a temperature that could probably almost fry my brain.
This behaviour could continue for up to 2 weeks sometimes!! 14 days straight!! I'm surprised I'm still alive after this kind of behaviour. my record was probably a straight month, give or take!
I'm even more surprised my partner didn't leave me.
I was moody, secretive, I would push him away and barely saw him during these terrible times.
Always sitting in a different room or just being "too busy" to spend time with him.
I think the longest I went without having sex with my partner was 4 weeks.
I couldn't handle being in the same room as myself so I definitely wasn't prepared to let him sleep with the disgusting person I thought I was.
I felt confused and completely out of my mind!!
It's the most disturbing feeling not having trust and peace within yourself.
There is a crazy stampede negative thoughts running around your head screaming at you all day.
I mostly just read or slept, trying to sleep it all away, but sleeps is hard to achieve when you have had nothing but sugar all day. So sometime I just pretended.
How did it come to this?
I used to be very fit,
Took my health and fitness very seriously and thought about entering body comps. Had a killer 6 pack and tones legs I had worked really hard for.
Ate organic and clean and never dreamed of putting processed foods into my body.
It all changed when the calorie counting became obsessive around the same time of my life, personal and work, started to fall apart.
I started restricting and over exercising, on the verge of anorexia but it wasn't long till the binging started.
Innocently enough too, a few chocolate almonds maybe. But that was a massive deal for me back then and I would beat myself up about it for days after!!
It never occurred to me to throw it up back then, still trying to hang on to my religious health regime . I knew what that would do to my body and I didn't think this behaviour would continue, so as much as I beat myself up for eating junk it hadn't reached that point of desperation....yet. Regardless, I didn't have a gag reflex and hated throwing up. ( Proves the point, where there's a will there's a way) I had tried it once after my gf told me she did after a big binge one day but it didn't work it just hurt my throat and gave me a blood nose...so I decided it wasn't for me.
But Then a few almonds turned to a packet...
Then a packet a couple of times a day....
Then it got even more extreme...I would stop off at McDonald's on the way home and order a meal and ice cream. Unheard of in my book! That's when real desperation stepped in. I would stand in the toilet freaking out, knowing full well I couldn't make myself puke because it just didn't work.
So eventually I figured out that if I stuffed myself completely full and drunk alot of milk it was easy to bring it up without having to stick my fingers down my throat.
This obviously made matters worse because now, in my mind, there was a way I could eat "as much as I wanted" without the consequences. So one meal at Maccas progressed to 2, then a stop at the servo after to get chocolate and other junk and if I'm completely honest... sometimes a second stop at Maccas.
I would grab a bucket and put it under my bed and just vomit into it all night.
Sometimes I stayed up all night just eating and vomiting.
I tried a few methods, NLP, TLT and hypnosis.
They helped a little. It helped me come to alot of different realisations, issues that altered me though I thought I had long forgotten.
Everything we go through whether we remember them or not, shape who we are today.
Our conscious can be that of a gold fish but our subconscious remembers EVERYTHING.
So it can be a long journey for those who have a lot of baggage. But whatever bad behaviour or habits we create prove that we can create whatever environment, attitude and habit we truly want.
So what is stopping you?
Are you doing what you want in your life?
What do you enjoy?
No one asks you these questions.
We need to be our own best friends!!
We need to be selfish this time in our lives.
Because bulimics are never selfish people.
Only with our food do we "indulge" and even then we punish ourselves, this is our only outlet.
The reason I lent toward bulimia was partly out of boredom and hatred for my job.
Nothing to look forward to in the day ahead, so I obsessed over that morning doughnut and chocolate Éclair because there was no other highlights to my day.
Pick something to look forward to each day and focus on that one new thing.
Hope this helps. :)
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