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A Battle Against Myself

I used to promise myself that if I got down to x lbs then I would finally be confident, beautiful and happy. Now I weigh x lbs and I still can't break out of this never-ending cycle that has consumed my every thought and action.

I've been anorexic/bulemic for 2 years now and I can't remember a time when I could eat a bowl of pasta or a piece of bread without being disgusted by myself. It has totally consumed my life, I lie to get out of going to meals with friends and now I've just isolated myself from everyone who ever cared about me. The worst part is that I give myself so few calories that I can't stop myself from binging and then purging. I used to kind of enjoy the experience of eating donuts and chocolate and then throwing it up, but now I hate myself even more. The only problem is that its almost as though I'm on auto-pilot, I know what I'm doing is beyond stupid but I just can't seem to stop. Its as though I have two sides of my mind which are constantly fighting: the rational side trying to stop me from doing this and then the side with the eating disorder that keeps taking all the junk food from the kitchen and off of the supermarket shelves.

Not only do I purge my body this way, but I even run around x kilometres a day (at least!), my body is getting more and more decrepit but in a weird way I like what I'm seeing.

Everyone knows about my issues: family, friends, teachers. I'm humiliated by my own weakness and stupidity, but I can't get out of the rut that I now find myself in. I go to boarding school and so I am not constantly monitored, this makes it all the easier for me to slink off to a corner by myself and eat everything I can lay my hands on or to avoid going to meals and fasting. My mum is now threatening to remove me from school if I don't improve by the end of this year and that absoloutely terrifies me! My school is amazing and I can't let go of everyone and everything I love (plus I've been boarding since I was 7 years old so it's part of who I am). The school make me go to the health centre every week to be weighed and talk to the 'Dragon Doctor' (as I call her). I don't like being made to feel like some train wreck that could explode at any moment. I just want my life to get back to normal. To wake up every morning with excitement and possibilities rather than sitting there plotting my next binge or the newest technique of avoiding eating at all.

This disease is all I can think about every single minute of every single day. How did i let something that I promised myself I would control become too powerful. I'm scared of what I'm doing to myself and no matter how many times I say 'this is the last time' or 'i'll stop in the new year' or 'as soon as I turn 16 it'll end' never does. I don't even know if I have the strength to stop at all anymore. I've seen more therapists, doctors and nutritionists then you could possibly imagine. I don't think there is a number large enough to quantify how many conversations I have had about my desire to get better, but here I am..2 years later...skinnier (YES)...happier (NO).

I'm just so scared that the weight will go back on and it will have all been for nothing. What have I done? How can I stop? Or is it just too late...

I'm scared. Alone. Lost.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program