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A ballerina's secret; 6 months and counting, but it stops now!

by Sienna
(Australia)

I wasn't really sure how to start this, I don't know what to say except that..i'm bulimic and I need help.

I've always naturally been a very skinny girl. Also doing dancing (ballet, tap and jazz) since the age of 4 helped. I never thought I would have body image issues but I guess you don't plan these things. Since I was a little girl I've always had a sweet tooth, junk was the love of my life, but I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight. However it all started in the holidays half way through grade 10, when one of my dancing eisteddfods finished. I was having a lot of junky foods and just relaxing, but I put on a bit of weight for the first time in my life. It was just natural for that to happen, being a teenager I freaked out..i've always been 'the skinny one'.

I got the idea to throw up my food from a book I was reading. It started of merely as an experiment, not to necessarily lose weight. I started with a toothbrush and it didn't exactly work that well. Anyway, that only happened a couple of times and it stopped. I was fine, didn't have body image issues, nothing. Then it got worst. It started off with just once a week, then twice, then everyday, then 2,3,4 (sometimes more) times a day! I think the thing that triggered it bad was when the guy I really liked dumped me, pathetic right? I was losing a little bit of weight like I'd eat nearly nothing at school, come home eat LOTS, vomit it all, go to ballet, eat dinner, vomit dinner and go to bed feely skinny, but quite faint.

Another issue was that I wanted to look like the professional ballerinas; skinny and petite (although I already am). The whole binging and purging just escalated and became worse. I've lost the ability to know wen I'm hungry and when I'm full. No-one knows. I know I need help, but I can't tell anyone, I just can't. I've tried to stop but I feel it's impossible. I just love food tooo much. I have no self control. I'm 16 years old, my life should be fun. Instead I go to school, come home eat so much I feel like I'm pregnant with triptelts, vomit it all, go to dancing and do school work. I never hang with friends and I often feel upset and hating life. But I shouldn't, I have the best family. My mum and me are so close, she's my bestfriend. And my dad and older sister are really great too, I have good friends and get straight A's at school. I'm the skinniest in my group of friends, but I feel like the fattest.

I'm sick and I know and accept that I need help. After a couple of months I decided that I was over staring down a toilet and my bulimia calmed down a bit and I put on like a kilo. But lately its been pretty bad. I'm not losing weight, but I'm eating HEAPS and 'getting rid of it'. I want to stop, because I've researched the effects and the big bad word of infertility kept popping out at me as all I want to do in life is have kids. So now, I'm serious about getting help but I'm also scared. I see that bloating is a big side effect and you say to wear baggy clothes, but I can't. I'm a ballerina, I wear tight leotards so I don't know what to do. I want to recover by myself, I just can't tell my family. However I'm so glad I came across this site. I sit hear reading everyone's stories just nodding my head in complete agreement with everything they say. Like I would freak out if I didn't have scales, and vomiting makes me feel like I have a sense of control or that I've achieved something. I just hope I can get through this, today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Sienna

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program