72 hour binge hell
I was bulimic from 15-21. one day I realized what I was doing to myself after 2 years of therapy/side effects/reading etc. It was like something clicked, but only after a lot of hard work. I started dating this guy... no problems for 3.5 years. no relapse, I rarely felt the urge. We broke up, my doing. No big deal.... but suddenly the last 6 weeks I've been relapsing. It's a disaster. At the moment I'm on vacation by myself, supposedly having this amazing self-discovery journey and I've literally been binging for the past 3 days. I am wasting my time and money binging when I'm supposed to be in Europe having the time of my life. What is wrong with me is all I can think. I've probably consumed X calories in 3 days. I feel horrible. I didn't try to puke it up because I can already feel the horrible side effects from the last few weeks. Until just now. It wasn't that successful but that's fine. I'm also in a hostel. It's quite difficult to hide in a corner. I want to curl up in bed. I don't know how to stop. I am terribly self-conscious and hyper aware of what other people think of me and I know that has a lot to do with it. I want to fit in and belong, yet I want to be able to do whatever I want and I feel stuck in the middle at times. I want to be loved and right now I don't have a lover, by my choice I remind you. It started as a relapse to fill this emotional void/uncomfortableness that I refused to deal with or acknowledge and now it has turned into something that has so much forward momentum I don't know how to stop it or break the spell. I've probably gained X pounds in 3 weeks. My body hates me right now. I'm about to be 26, I just want to get a grip on my life and emotions but it's like I am incapable of doing it on my own. I miss the support and comfort of my boyfriend but I know it's the idea of him and the unconditional love he gave me that I miss, not him himself.
I NEED HELP! ahhhh worst 3 days ever, but best 3 days at the same time, or it should be. fuck. I have this feeling of absolute freedom and control when I am stopping in 6 different bakeries/take out places. Like I can do whatever I want and not a single person knows me or can judge me. So much is going on in my mind and I know it is all linked but I can't figure out how to piece it all together.
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