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7 Years and counting...

by Jordan

My story is not interesting, its sad and pathetic. At the age of 12 I developed faster than all my very pretty, pencil thin friends. In a group of 17 I felt the ugliest and was the largest. In one instance me and two of my friends were sitting on a trampoline with two guys. One started playing footsies with my one friend but she got up and left, he then whispered (audiably) to his guy friend "ill take the next best option" and started playing footsies with my other friend. It was then all my suspicions came true. One of the girls in my group was also a bulimic/anorexic who got so much attention for her disorder, (which I envied?!). It was from this and extreme lack of self esteem and desire to feel beautiful that I began my weight loss/bulimia life. What most everyone can relate to is the severe sadness I feel when I think about my life without constantly thinking about my weight. I want to eat a sandwhich for lunch and not think twice. I want to make healthy choices without making them a big deal, I want to eat pizza on a Friday night without it ruining my life. But I cant and never will.

Im now 19 and yes im thinner, Im prettier than I was at 12 but I have no self-esteem, im a pitiful gross bulimic who gets more excited about eating a pint of ice cream and throwing it up than most things in life. I now go into public bathrooms and dont care if people hear me. As far as friends and family go I am beyond sneaky that have only had one question raised about 4 years ago. Aa a sophomore in highschool my bulimia had quietened and I gained weight, I was on the brink of being overweight (BMI 24.6) and my boyfriend of two years and I broke up. The condition for getting back together was I lose weight. SO I did, my 5"4 frame went from 146lbs that i was eating normally to 123lbs. Of course i did this all wrong, throwing up, severe calorie restriction and revolving my life around weight loss. I've done it all, vomiting, fasting, laxatives, colon cleanses, weight watchers, atkins, dukan. Im currently 125.6lbs as of this morning and wish i was 110lbs.

The saddest part, I know that if I reach that weight i won't be happy. Ill still be vomiting into plastic bags praying there isn't a small hole. Still driving through McDonalds getting a triple thick milkshake and fries, excited to vomit it later and cheat the calories! but there is no cheat, i may avoid the extra poundage but it ruins my life. When I'm thin, my life is better. When I'm fatter everything seems so much worse. But that shallow truth is that in this obsession I haven't learned to value whats important in life and the harsh and judgmental way I look at my self has slowly begun to apply to others. This leaves me lonely, in pain and feeling ugly. All for that high I get over the toilet

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program