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5 years and I still walk alone...



Im a 20, almost 21 year old women, who can look back and see nothing but a lovely childhood, normal and happy teenager years, a stable family, amazing friends, good health... In the present, still have the same beatiful family, friends, boyfriend, home, health, studies.. but still, IM NOT HAPPY.

IM NOT HAPPY because i have been living a 5 year hell, almost alone, taking steps back and forward, and praying every day to get out of this hole, and make it throgh the day with no cravings.. But its almost impossible.

I am a compulsive eater.

It all started when i was 16, and the worst part of it is that i cant recognize ANYTHING that could have trigered this ED.

I changed school, yes, but it wasnt that hard cos i made friends pretty easily. I do know that the enviroment was different btwen the girls, all of them taking care of their weight and stuff, i started too.

I started restricting myself, eliminating "BAD" food 100%. NO more bread, butter, mayo, chocolate, coke, icecream, sweets.. with time, the list started getting longer, and longer.. NO carbs, no rice, no pasta, no jam, no nothing.. every calorie was being counted. I started skiping food at school, skipping lunch or eating a yogurt and fruit, or a little pice of chicken, reducing calories as much as i could, miserable breakfast, miserable dinner.. i felt superior if i felt the pain of hunger in my stomach at the end of the day. i was NOT A ANOREXIC, I ATE, i just restricted my self, did lots of excerice, LOTS!! but never spent a whole day with no food.

But that didnt last long.. Briefley i started binging.. i would skip or reduce breakfast and lunch.. then at afernoon i would go to the kitchen and eat lunch leftovers, cookies, bread.. everything i was restricting myself from.

Then it came the guilt.. Restriction the next day.. craving.. binging.. restriction..craving.. bingeing... and so on..

a vicious circle with no way out.

i did lose weigh, not till the point of looking sick skinny, just THIN, A BIT TOO THIN.

Then i started dating my actual boyfrind (4 years toughether now) and he always thought i just ate too little.. but it wast just that, it is an ED..

I started gaining weight eventually.. never gained too much thank god, don't now why, maybe becouse of my genetic, or because of my compensative ways (never purged, did laxatives, post - binging restriction, excesive excercise..) but now i weigh X KG, im 1,62 CM.. and by then i used to weigh X KG.. so yes, its a lot for me now to have X kgs, even if i look NORMAL for most pple..

My weigh has fluctuated constantly, same as my eating habits, there had been times when i had some good self control, and some aweful times when i just binge every day, a few times a day.

It took time for me to get help, at first my mom took me to a nutritionist because i kept saying i wanted to loose a few kilos, and she eventually realized what my prob was.. she was really helpful, but told me that i should really get pshycologycal help, cos she could just help me with the food things, and an ED, is NOT ALL ABOUT THE FOOD, we all know that.

Then it came.. One therapist, didn't like her...

Second therapist, liked her, almost 7 month, my parents (wich never understood the whole ED thing) got sick of taking me to therapy and seeing no results, didn't pay for it anymore..

Then there was a long period struggling alone.. ALONE, I would talk to no one about this, not even to my Best friends, not even to my boyfriend..

Kept going to the nutritionist, with obvoius no results... Till one day i broke into tears, could no longer handle this by my self, i was so miserable, and my mom found me crying.

My parents are pretty old fashioned, to put it some way, about this things, for them, is just me being SHALLOW, worring too much about my body.. they have tried to understnad, read and stuff, but theres no way, they say they do, but the are not even close to it..

after the emotional episode, my mom talked to a friend of her's thats a doctor, and recommended her to take me to a pshychiatryst, who she knew respected.

I COULDNT WAIT TO GO! i just wanted (WANT!!!!) to get through this, put it behind me..

He was awesome, it was the first time in a long time, that i felt like someone understood what i was going through, he read my mind with everything i was telling or about to tell. I saw a lil light at the end of the dark path.. I wanted to keep going, i felt hope.

My parents have accepted the fact i need therapy, the fact that im under medication, and that even if they dont see a lot of changes, i feel so much better NOT walking alone, and even if i have been for a year with this DR, and they dont see changes in me, I DO.

BUT it is still SO HARD.

Its like.. when im having a good week, or 2.. then it has to come a bad period, of no control, of eating too much.. of feeling like shit.. and then.. a period of improvement again..

Sometimes i feel I WILL NEVER RECOVER, i will never be able to eat NORMALLY again, i will never be able to NOT count calories, or plan my whole day around food.. and just EAT, like normal pple do, EAT because you need to, to survive, and EAT what u want to.. with no guilt, or NORMAL GUILT..

Its been a long, LONELY, dark, sad road, full of tears, full of sleepless nights..

But i put my faith in God, on my shrink, and IN MY SELF. I HAVE TO GET OVER THIS, to put this in the past..


thanks for all of you who have already recovered (and the ones in the fight) that write, post and share about your ED.


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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program