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43 years old still struggling

I cant remember not being a binge purger. My memory is a blur of binges and purges. As long as my daughter never finds out or my parents, siblings, co-workers or friends. I have worked as a fifth grade teacher, an officer, a profession that would scream self control.

My mother has commented on the volume of food I eat at different occasions and wonders why I am not heavier. My weight is around x. I just laugh it off, I tell her I only eat like that at their house.

I thought that I could stop one day one my 43rd birthday, like it was a choice. Secretly, I've relished in binges, like Templeton at the fair in the book Charlettes Web. I love the look, feel, taste, touch of food so much, food makes me high and happy. I obsess about food. For a past-time I sift through my cookbook collection. What I love more than food, is to get the bulk and calories out of my stomach, to get rid of the painful, stretchy discomfort. I don't want to gain weight and feel disgusting. But to do all that silently, secretly can be challenging, Sometimes I just want to make more room in my stomach for my next dreamy purge.

I have dental problems and my heart feels strange like it murmurs but I honestly don't think or believe it can be from binging.

I want to stop, overeating, obsessing, my teeth are breaking off and I have a gorgeous smile. Thank you community I did not know you were here for me this whole time, I don't feel ashamed only of people finding out. Please help me.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program