30 Years of a love/hate relationship with food
From the age of 13 I have had a passionate love for food, yet despise the thought of a morsel entering my body. Originally food was something I withheld from myself to try and change my distorted vision of my figure. So I guess I was anorexic. After months of starvation, I heard of a new way to keep weight off and eat. I could eat and enjoy it,then throw it all up. Never have I been over weight or severely under weight so no one ever showed concern about how I was staying thin. I often to this day get comments about how great I look. The purging was just occassional as I still had some control over my eating. Within a few years, the binges became more than just a normal meal and a candy bar. It consisted of eating everything possible in the cabinets, with my parents or family asking what happened to foods that were just there the night before. I would go by three drive thrus and order like I was feeding 3 people. I would stop by the grocery store and fill up the buggy with carbs- doughnuts, chips, cookies, you name it. I would eat till I could not physically move. I would get myself to the bathroom and throw it up to relieve the discomfort. This continues to this day except I can go weeks without binging and eating healthy and feeling good. THe difference now is that when I binge, I don't always throw it up. I get so sleepy and pass out on the couch. I tell myself I am going to get up and throw it up, but I can't seem to do that. I wake up in a fog, like a hang over. The depression sets in and I feel terrible for days. I try to be aware of what may trigger these binges, but I have done this for so long that I zone out and can't even come close to fighting the urge to binge. I have absolutely no control when it happens. Seems like I have it under control, feeling good, not bloated and puffy from the binges, my personality is different, and then all of a sudden it gets in my head and I can not fight it. Before I know it, I have eaten 6 Nutty Buddys, 5 Star Crunches, 1/2 a chocolate cake, a box of Cheez Its, left over stroganoff, and 1/2 gallon of sweet tea. This is what I ate within 2 hours last night! I will try today not to let it happen again tonight as that is when I usually binge. I am now 43 years old and this is a way of life for me. I know no other way to live than in this roller coaster of moods and emotions that are controlled by my eating. I just want to crawl in a hole today. This sickness has jeopardized relationships and my finances. I don't let friends get too close as they might find out and think I am crazy. On the outside, I am an attractive, friendly, got it all under control kinda person. On the inside, I am a hot mess falling apart piece by piece.
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