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25 Years of Living With ED Finally Coming To An End

by Amita

Ed came into my life when I was just a vulnerable 15 years old. I remember it clearly!!!

Years of listening to people saying to my mom, (we are East Indian from India living in UK) oh we feel so sorry for you, your daughter is not exactly a good looker, who will marry her etc etc. You see in my culture if your light skinned then you are perfect if your a little tanned you're the ugly duckling. To add to this I had a slight squint in my eye, only noticeable if you were really observing me. So this made my case worse. Darker skinned and a squint I had no chance!!! To make matters worse for me as an individual I was sexually abused at 5years old, yes raped at 5 by my 18 year old cousin. So you can imagine I was a disaster waiting to happen.

So now you have had a little history on the stress I had in my life from such a young and vulnerable age.

Ed came to me one night while I was watching a documentary on tv about a girl called 'Catherine". The documentary was about Catherine who had an eating disorder Bulimia. She talked about how it began, what she did and how it made her feel. the result being she lost a ton of weight and felt better when she did it. Catherine too had many troubles in her little life alot like me and guess what? A light switched on in my head that I too could do that, eat be sick, loose weight and feel better and accepted by everyone.

So that very night it all began 1986!! And yes I did loose alot of weight not that I was big or anything, but it got me noticed. I got positive attention, people were not looking at my skin tone or squint any longer. But you know what there were still those people who did that chipped away at me and ED just got stronger and stronger.

I was out of control and still so sad, feelings of worthlessness, being ugly, being dirty, shame on my family, so self conscious, and not loved.
Surprisingly I did date a few guys over the years that fell head over heels for me and I have no idea why. There were marriage proposals for arranged marriages which I was shocked about as all those people in the past said no one would marry me. But I didn't go for any of them. I always promised myself I would fall in love not be made to fall in love. 1991 I met the man of my dreams and I had fallen in love for the first time in my life. We seriously had a beautiful love story and the dream wedding. He still is the love of my life and everything to me and has always been there for me through my moments of madness and just wants ED to leave me alone.

I then became a mother to my beautiful son, I binge and purged through my pregnancy which was so sad. My drs knew of my history but no one helped me. Anyway the Bulimia persisted for many years, I tried every therapy going, I tried every diet going, I went to self help groups etc etc to kick this dreaded disease. But failed every time. I had to stop!!! Not just for me now but my little boy who deserves his mummy complete not incomplete. I don't want to die of a heart attack my life is too precious.
This year 2011 I decided enough is enough no matter what ED is leaving. at the beginning of the year I stopped for a few weeks and went on a Gluten Free diet to help my son who has Celiac Disease. It was going well 20 days no binge or purge. But I gained about 15 pounds. Shock horror and ED came back.

August 2011 I decided again enough and got some liposuction done to kick start me which cost a whopping $8,000. I though If I spend hard earned money it will make me stop. September 14th 2011 had the lipo done and now its October 20th 2011 and I have been completely binge purge free.
I was very bloated after lipo and at the same time because of the bloat after Bulimia free. Its been 5 weeks now and my bloat is going away, my bowels are working like never before. I have so much energy, I am so happy, that I haven't seen the inside of a toilet for 5 weeks, I haven't had a sore throat or aches and pains everywhere. I don't know whats happened I haven't had the urge to do it, I am eating 3 small structured meals a day with snacks and a bit of sin food too. Finally I feel like what I vaguely remember before I started with ED 25 years ago NORMAL.
My focus is my life expectancy, my son and his future I want to be a part of it without ED, my gorgeous husband and the rest of my family. Also the fact that I spent $$$$ on lipo is insanely working too.

This is it I can feel it in my bones, ED has gone and he's not welcome any more, I never wanted him in the first place, He has no place in my life ever again. Thank you for listening.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program