24 Years of bulimia
I am 37 years old and will be 38 in July. This will sound like rambling but here goes. This is also my first "full confession" I have had eating issues since I was about 11 but had my first purge at age 14...
I grew up in a strict but loving family. I was lucky to also grow up with a grandmother who lived with us and took care of us. I have a sister who is 3 years older. My relationship with food started taking a downturn when I was about 10 and "chubby". I was a cute little kid but as i grew towards puberty i was fat, awkward with horrible frizzy hair...
Needless to say this did not please my father. He went through a period of being extremely ashamed of me, restricting my food at dinner time so that i would go up to my room and sneak stuff to eat because i was so hungry.
At school i was bullied as well as i approached jr. high i gained weight and gym class was HELL. The boys would call me "beef" and the girls were awful to me I used to go home "sick" all the time. My parents took me to psyciatrists etc. I was so ashamed i had no friends. Therapy did nothing. I felt my dad was ashamed of me because i was fat and ugly, at the time, my sis was in high school, had friends and was thin.
My freshman medical check up had me at 196 pounds. I was so fat. I decided to restrict my intake and within a couple months lost a lot of weight. I became obsessed with eating/ not eating. Then one day I decided to vomit after dinner. My sister walked in on me and told my parents who reacted with total anger (they are in the medical profession). Basically the family felt i was just doing it for "attention".
I then discovered laxatives and would take 30 to 60 exlax in one sitting.
At school everyone talked about how much weight i lost and i got approval from my parents. They liked me thin. I even actually had a bf. Only i NEVER ate at school. I'd binge on food after school. My continued visits to the drug store to get laxatives prompted the pharmacist to ask what they were for. I went to other drugstores. I remember taking so many lax pills that my whole body hurt, pure pain, and i would be laying in bed with racing heart and pure sweat... hoping i wouldn't die.
My restricting/and Bulimia made me thin but not (too thin) By age 18 I was considered pretty by my peers and i had friends. In college i was still very weird with my eating/ ended up in the ER once because of electolyte imbalance, I passed out.
After college my parents bought my sister and me a condo and we lived together. I became less obsessed with my weight and "let myself go". I also became somewhat promiscuous. I pretty much ate/drank whatever and started gaining. Throughout my later 20s I wasn't the "pretty girl" any more. I had no control, My thirties came, I lived in a small apartment, working a good job (Still a great job) and i'd go home every night and drink wine or vodka, binge/ purge and pass out. My weight fluctuated.
The death of my grandmother was traumatic. I never looked "healthy" I looked unkept, fat, and tired.
2 years ago, I bought a condo, which is beautiful, and the struggle continues. Sometimes I will plan my binges. I will go to a fast food place order several hamburgurs, fries, and keep eating until i'd pop. (I'd continue eating what i had after the take out was gone). Last year a boyfriend broke up with me because I wasn't the "hot girl" he once knew..We knew eachother when i was 19 and reunited.
I'm writing because i want to STOP bulimia. My whole body hurts, chest pains, i'm bloated, my face is fat, my skin doesn't look good. I'm disgusted with myself everytime i buy garbage bags I know deep down what i'm really using them for. I have never had a meaningful relationship and i can't really talk to my family because they think I "should have grown out of it".
I used to never consider myself a "bulimic" but after 24 years, I feel i need to face facts. I can't go to my family for support. I need help. Therapy won't work. I'm so glad I found this site. I feel so gross.
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