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2/3 of My Life Wasted

by Shanna

Long story short,it started when I was ten. I was outgoing and poplular in my old school so I wasnt prepared for how things would be in my new one. I was bullied very badly and found that if I made myself sick then I could escape from them for a time, but I couldnt escape from what was happening in my family. Every holiday we would spend with my aunt and my mom never knew why I didnt like going. My much older cousin had molested me and would always try to get me alone. So I again would make myself sick to avoid him or going altogether. Eventually this became how I dealt with every stressful event growing up, then I didnt need an excuse. I just knew it was such a relief to be able to purge everything Id eaten and feel so free both emotinally and physically. It has gotten so bad in the past I'd binge and purge up to 15 times a day.

Well, I'll be 30 this year and I've dealt with bulimia for 2/3 of my life. 20 years wasted. Until recently I'd never really thought I would be able to quit, so why even try. I knew I should, but its been with me for so long that its completely natural for me. I'd gotten really good at hiding it, and now I don't know what my life would be without it. I've been married for 10 years and have three adorable children. How I managed to have 3 healthy children with this curse is a miracle. But its also gotten worse with each pregancy because I'm in a panic because I had to eat for each baby and then I'm stuck with all the weight after. I finally told my husband who is awesome in so many ways. He wants to help, we just dont know how to go about it. Everytime I've tried structured eating, I'll do well for 3 - 4 days then, inevitable I'll have a very stressful day and it all goes out the window for quite a while till I can get the courage to try again. I need serious help. and yes I've seen a therapist for the molestation, but I was too scared and not yet ready to admit to my bulimia as a coping mechanism. Is there any tips you can give me and or my husband to try to help me? I've looked into local hospitals for treatments and considered looking into a retreat program but with 3 children under 8, the youngest being 2 months old this isn't even an option. I came across your page and just cried after reading yours and everyone elses stories, they were living MY HELL. Thank you for a safe place to go. I so hope this is going to work. I desperately need to be around for my family.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program