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by Laura

My relationship with food has always been very complicated. Right now I am sitting here, writing this, a 22 years old med school student, esophagus aching and bleeding after a recent binge. You'd think since I'm studying to become a doctor I should know better, but you couldn't be more wrong.

In my family it is a sin to be anything else than stick thin. Therefore most of my life I've been dieting, anorexic, bulimic, you name it, I've probably done and tried it all.

Before I didn't think about it as much, because it never bothered me as much as it does now. More and more I'm realizing how much I'm missing due to this disordered behavior. I used to love summer, swimming and all that stuff. Now I'm just worried about looking fat and therefore I now hate summer, which used to be my favorite time of the year. I can't look at myself in mirrors, not even catch a glimpse of my reflection in the bus window without thinking about how terrible I look. Last time there were proper pictures of me with my friends or family, was probably 3-4 years ago. Now days, I can't stand the thought of being caught on someones camera. I simply do not want to look at myself, because I hate what I see. I used to love partying and hanging with friends every chance that I got. Now days I try to avoid all types of socializing. Instead I stay at home, binge and purge. Sounds like an ideal Friday night? Not so much.

I am not in any way over weight. I fluctuate between so called "normal weight" and rather skinny, depending on how many "good" and bad days I have. Many people call me pretty and all that. But I simply cannot see it.

I just feel like something has to change. I cannot bear the thought of starting one more year and still be doing this disordered stuff. I need to stop. I don't know how. Perhaps it's too late for me? I saw hope before. But recently it feels more and more like I'll never succeed. Which is kind of ironic, since I succeed in everything else that I try, med school, hobbies you name it. I want to talk to someone about this, but I simply cannot talk to my friends or especially my family about this. But I just know that I cannot go on like this anymore. I am simply too tired.

I don't know if there's anything anyone can say about this. I just felt like sharing my thoughts.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program