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17-24 how bulimia always has its grip

by Emse89
(London)

Where do you begin, how do you really explain how it all happened? Didn't this start because we wanted to show others how good we are at losing weight, to feel loved and admired by many, to have a secret, order and a plan? Do we ever stop to think about the bad of this relationship? No because its like love at first sight .. You can't see the bad, you can't even feel it yet.. Only the good.
At 17 I began to lose weight, go out, discover sex, it all happened so quickly, I had control, I became popular and dated the guy everyone was after. I thought I had it all. Until I started to lose it, my illness became my first love. I'd make up excuses and not go out. I started to lose control on my plans as I was starving hungry surving on only coffee and bananas. I came home from work one day and my mum had made an entire chocolate cake..... Guess what?! Yup you guessed didn't you..... I eat the entire thing, and in a split moment I felt euphoric, I felt rushed, dangered and I forgot about everything. Then like a sudden bang, guilt drenched all over my body, I ran to the loo and got a toothbrush and shoved it as rigorously and far down my throat as I could and was sick... I was sick until I felt dizzy. I felt safer again. That feeling was now created. Safety in sickness. That dark link of disorder and comfort formed. And the terrible spiral began. I put on all the weight I lost from binge eating like crazy... I mean anything I could get my hands on, bowls of cereal, crisps, bread, cakes, cookies.... Anything quick and available. I would do it when my mum took my sister to dancing. I remember she came back and loads of food would be missing. I felt so embarrassed. I'd make so many excuses up to go the kitchen for food. I didn't care, I was going to uni, and in my head it meant I didn't have to be tempted.... How ring I was! My weight over the three years went wild. There's so many stories it would take. Life time to write, but the ones I remember where stealing food from supermarkets... Actually eating the food in the isles and putting it back, throwing up in their toilets. Spending £15 in a vending machine and bingeing on all the food. Running to the doctors because I thought I couldn't breath as I had bacon lodged in my throat from a binge. Being wasted and binge eating on loads of takeaway and trying to make myself sick so much but nothing would come up. Trying to hide my illness from house mates.... One night after dominoes and then binging in my room, u got loads of bin bags said I went to bed and was sick in them loads and left them under my bed... As they where cheap they split!!!!! Was so gross! I got into the habit of this at home and I would take the bags of sick out the house with me in my handbag!!!! I then gained all the control back and had bulimia nervousa so would sick up everything I eat and became dangerously thin. I lied about going to counselling and never went..... Good timing though because I lost control again and started eating and binge eating putting weight back on so quick. I remember feeling angry all off the time, so anxious about everything, I was mad at my boyfriend constantly I absolutely hated him to
The bottom of my being! No one was allowed to joke about my weight as I'd just go schtizo!!!
I remember being addicted to laxatives and being that desperate to shit one night when my house mate was in the bath I had to run out my front door and go in the alley way!!!!! Thank god no one saw but I was mortified!
My parents where so worried about me at uni, they knew when I came back (not the overweight year, the anorexic year) they would make me eat and sit me down, make me go to the loo with the door open. I use to feel so poorly all of the time.
After university I slowly got better, having a 9-5 job makes less time for bulimia , just more time for eating shit so I put on lots and lots of weight, then lost about and put it back in. I am now managing to balance it out, but according to the docs I am overweight by X and must lose it! So I flirt with dieting, end up giving in have one binge and purge a month and then fall back into the same
Routine. The problem with this glorious eating disorder is that it has no glory, just bodily consequences, and it gives you no happiness in return, false hope... And without out hope we lose sight if ourselves. I've found that having bulimia for all this time I have become numb to the world around me. It brings depression along with it and its hard to fight off. When you battle for so long between thin and fat and loose energy and gain energy, you begin to think what is the point. Back to swayre one. Bulimia has made me stronger and I believe that I am close to winning my fight.... I am in my last phase, and I want to kick it out. Im 24 and enough is enough!

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