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17 years with eating disorder

by Bea

17 years with eating disorders
I can remember perfectly the day I started with eating disorder and even today I can't believe it. Sometimes I feel like it is not real. Now today I want to make a big step and I want to tell my story . I have never told it.
I remember how I was being hard with myself... I was trying to be perfect, to be good enough for everyone, but I never got it... You always can be “thinner”, prettier, more clever...and all of the time you are not enough for yourself.
I just feel shame when I think I can't remember the last time I ate as a normal person. I just can't remember. I mean to me to eat without feeling fault, just enjoying the food.
I started with eating disorders at the age of 10 years old. I remember making a list with things I wanted to get, like to be really thin and really clever. But I chose the wrong way. I just thought I was to be happier if I was thinner. I had a really hard anorexia, I was at a lot of different hospitals and then I seemed recovered. I was thinking I was recovered for a long time. But in myself I knew it wasn't true.
Everything started to tried to lost weight and then I had lost X kg in two months and I was really sad, I had lost all my friends, I started to argue with my parents a l... At first I got my highest marks in the school but then after a few months I wasn't able to study more until I got better. I just almost died. But after a lot of years I started to get better. I started to eat in a “normal “ way with a normal weight... but I never changed my thoughts. I have always been to try to calculate everything I eat, and even I can visualize how the food is in my body putting me on weight. I am so tired of this. I just want to be a normal person, to eat normal. I wish to be able to eat alone without being afraid of myself, without feeling guilty, being able to stop to eat. And now I am determined to beat the bulimia, but just I don't know how. I realize I can't be this way any more. This has been enough. Now I now I am not going to be happier if I lost weight . I just want to learn to eat. I just want to be happy. I am vomiting a lot in these days and always when I am going to bed I promise to myself : Today is the LAST day in my life with bulimia. But then at the next day, I lost the control again. It always the same story. Even I eat the next day to the overeating but I just can't stop to eat. I just don't feel free myself. How do I stop to eat? I am lost. I just can't handle it. And How do I stop to feel embarrass because of this? It's really embarrassing for me to think about me like a person who can't stop to eat. It just like you get the opposite that you want. I depreciate myself to be as I am. Bulimia is really hard for me because in my head means everything I don't like. However when I had anorexia I was very very very proud of me. But never again I got the same sensation. Never. For this reason when I am eating a lot I ask to myself: What do you want to get from the food? Can't you feel better without using the food? I think it is only my way to express frustration and anxiety. I just don't know other way to be proud of me without being thin or hard with myself. I am learning to be softer with myself and with everyone. But just I am lost..I just want to feel better and being a normal person. I just want to say goodbye to my eating disorder. I just want to stop this fight with myself.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program