11 days free from binging and purging!
It's been 11 days since my last purge. I can say for sure for me the structured eating is a life saver! It feels like a weight has been taken off my shoulders when I told myself "i can eat, i can eat, food is my friend and there are no good or bad foods",phew...what a release :)
I still think about b/p, but then i remind myself do i really want to go down that road again? How much time and energy did i spent for this? Instead of reaching my goals? Do i want to do this for the rest of my life? Is this making me feel good and happy? Is being thin is THE MOST IPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD for me?
NO,NO,NO...i have to take control over my life, i can do this.
I feel stong and empowerd, such sense of freedom, peace, at ease in my heart knowing that i am doing my best, i have to stop being lazy and do this at last, i have to change, i want to have a family (i haven't had my period for 2 years now), a husband, a career etc. and bulimia is stoping me from this.
The biggest issue for me is the bloating, my tummy is so big comparing to my bulimia flat tummy, i feel fat and ugly, i still need to learn how to love and accept myself, some times i am doing good but then comes the creepy voice that says: you are fat, who is going to love you if you look like this? Panic, lets eat your problems away and then puke it all out and be thin again, it is so easy, give in, give in..." And then i ask myself is it so easy really? When i wake up in the morning and first thing i do i step on the scales to see my progress, then make loads of food, eat for 2 hours, then go and puke it out and weight myself again to check if i have got rid of all the food and if it doesn't go smooth i start to panic and eat again and puke and eat and puke and then i wake up in the morning to check my weight again, aghh it is gone up, i panic, i see my reflection in the mirror and my face is swollen, my fingers too, i feel fat, i feel ugly, i hate myself, i want to disapear, i want it to stop...
And then my life passes me by...i have had enough, i am taking responsibility for my life, i can do this, i have a choice...so do you...
Goodbye letter to Bulimia
My enemy, my worst nightmare, you have held me in your tread for 5 years now, i am tired and angry...i am leaving you behind...you have done so much in my life, changed it, ruined it...lots of tears, sadness, hate, anger, loneliness, shame, guilt and so forth. I admit you have been a good teacher for me as maybe without you my life would have been different...you where the reason why i started to question life, the way it works, i started my spiritual journey because of you, so thank you. I release you, i don't want you to be anymore in my life, go now, i want to be free, i want to be me, i want to be Love.